It's not having what you what- it's wanting what you've got

This line form a Sheryl Crow song speaks to what I have been realizing  in the past couple of days.

I recently have been reflecting on my "divine solitude". I have not been in a relationship since I left my marriage of 20 years. I knew that I would need time before entered into another relationship, but I would have never imagined back then that I would be single almost 5 years later. Not that I haven't met a lot of men during this time. I've had the good fortune to meet  Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc and even Peter Pan, all courtesy of the fascinating world of Internet dating. But on a more serious note, although none of them was "the one", I love them all for their presence in my life and the lessons I learned from my time with them,

With my extended family 3000 miles away and my kids at school I found myself feeling a bit sorry for myself at times. I think I was trying so hard to find someone to fill the gap that I may have missed the better points about my singleness. I would see my friends and neighbours  busy with activites invloving a close network of family and friends and I would feel sad at the thought that I didn't have what they did. Lately I have heard several of them talk about how overwhelmed they feel with family obligations- birthdays, dinners etc that leave them feeling exhausted and resentful- and that they would trade some of their busyness for some of my freedom.

In my attempts to be more mindful and present, I realized that enjoying this time in my life makes more sense than to try and make something happen- like a relationship with someone who is not the right person for me. There are positive qualities about my aloneness- not to be confused with loneliness. I have the gift of time and stillness that many others seem to yearn for. And for that I am grateful, for in this time of stillness and reflection I have been able to fill the gap that I once thought only a partner could do. It feels like a weight that that I have carried around for most of my life has been lifted.

Not that feelings of loneliness don't creep up on me from time to time. When they do, I focus on my network of friends and the good things I have in my life- my home, my beautiful amazing children, my health and my passion for life. I no longer use the internet to meet men, but rather use my time doing the activities I enjoy, knowing that in doing so I am more likely to meet someone who has the same interests and with whom I have a better chance of having at least a good friendship, if nothing else.

And so I give thanks for what I have - time to reflect, freedom to chose how I spend my free time and best of all- the whole bed to myself!