It's not having what you what- it's wanting what you've got

This line form a Sheryl Crow song speaks to what I have been realizing  in the past couple of days.

I recently have been reflecting on my "divine solitude". I have not been in a relationship since I left my marriage of 20 years. I knew that I would need time before entered into another relationship, but I would have never imagined back then that I would be single almost 5 years later. Not that I haven't met a lot of men during this time. I've had the good fortune to meet  Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc and even Peter Pan, all courtesy of the fascinating world of Internet dating. But on a more serious note, although none of them was "the one", I love them all for their presence in my life and the lessons I learned from my time with them,

With my extended family 3000 miles away and my kids at school I found myself feeling a bit sorry for myself at times. I think I was trying so hard to find someone to fill the gap that I may have missed the better points about my singleness. I would see my friends and neighbours  busy with activites invloving a close network of family and friends and I would feel sad at the thought that I didn't have what they did. Lately I have heard several of them talk about how overwhelmed they feel with family obligations- birthdays, dinners etc that leave them feeling exhausted and resentful- and that they would trade some of their busyness for some of my freedom.

In my attempts to be more mindful and present, I realized that enjoying this time in my life makes more sense than to try and make something happen- like a relationship with someone who is not the right person for me. There are positive qualities about my aloneness- not to be confused with loneliness. I have the gift of time and stillness that many others seem to yearn for. And for that I am grateful, for in this time of stillness and reflection I have been able to fill the gap that I once thought only a partner could do. It feels like a weight that that I have carried around for most of my life has been lifted.

Not that feelings of loneliness don't creep up on me from time to time. When they do, I focus on my network of friends and the good things I have in my life- my home, my beautiful amazing children, my health and my passion for life. I no longer use the internet to meet men, but rather use my time doing the activities I enjoy, knowing that in doing so I am more likely to meet someone who has the same interests and with whom I have a better chance of having at least a good friendship, if nothing else.

And so I give thanks for what I have - time to reflect, freedom to chose how I spend my free time and best of all- the whole bed to myself!

The Road less Traveled

It feels like my entire life has been along the road less traveled. It can be lonely on that road. Not as many people on it, that's for sure.

But what I do find is that when I do meet someone on that same path, it is like meeting an old friend. They understand me and I them.

Some of us have taken this road without really understanding why or how we found ourselves on it. We are the seekers, those who are not content with what we preceive thorugh the five senses, but know there is more. We are restless and feel the need to travel, not to the far ends of the earth, but to the depths of consciousness.

And although at times I find it very difficult to be on this road, I am starting to understand that this seemingly unexplained need to be on this less traveled path is a gift- one that has, as Robert Frost so eloquently put, made all the difference.

Speak your truth quietly

The other day I lost it on someone. Not horribly, but I said some things that were likely hurtful to the other person. I can't remember the last time I spoke that way and later felt that it wasn't acting in a very spiritual manner. I felt quite badly about the whole situation.

When I had some time to think about what had happened I realize that I had let a bunch of things build up without dealing with them and when it finally all came it- well, it wasn't pretty.

Communicating our thoughts and feelings in the moment can avoid this kind of scenario. A simple formula to let someone know what you are feeling is to simply to say "when you (state observed behavior) I feel ( insert feeling). For example, "when you say you don't trust me I feel hurt". Communication requires a receiver and a sender and so much can be misinterpreted on the way from one to the other. It is said that only 7% of communication is accomplished with words. The rest is through tone and body language. Receiving a message can be affected by past experience, and the "story" we might be making up because we may not have all the facts. Getting clear by asking "what do you mean by that" can avoid a lot of grief down the road.

In my case I had not been as curious with someone who was very persistent. I did apologize and my lesson was that even though I learned to finally stand my ground with the person, it probably would have been better to take some time before I responded.

And what was really amazing was that I recognized a part of me that I had not liked about this other person. It was like looking in the mirror.

Someone once said " people will forget what you said and what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel".

So speak your truth quietly and clearly -and may you be remembered with love.

The Iceberg Beneath the Surface

The other day someone made a comment to me about another person they did not know well, saying they thought this person was "mean- spirited". I asked if this so call mean person had actually done anything mean. My friend said no, "but he just seems so unfriendly". I suggested there could be many reasons why this person may not have been very friendly- he could be shy and reserved or maybe he was sad. As I observed this person she referred to, I have to say I did not see what she saw at all. I saw someone who did not smile or talk much, but he certainly did not seem to be the ogre she made him out to be.

We all present an image to others and none of us will ever know all there is to another person's life and why the act the way they do. It is like an iceberg.



What you see is just a fraction of what lies underneath. We have no idea of the challenges, joys and experiences of another's life, particularly when we do not know them well. I find that often people who do not seem very friendly are actually shy. To label someone as being mean when they have not done anything untoward - well, I think that is rather sad.

I heard a phrase once that seems to sum this all up. It goes "people don't behave the way they should, they behave the way they do". What this means is, people do not act in accordance to how we think they "should" act. We have our own perception of life which is almost always different from anyone else. And that's a good thing because sometimes those who have a differing view of things actually come into our lives to teach us something.

So next time you come across someone who does not seem to be very happy or friendly, give them a smile and remember that we know not what cross they bear on any particular day. All we can know is that anything someone says or does comes from a place of love or is a call for love.

And so send them some love and and silently ask them to forgive you for not understanding their behavior.

And see what happens.

A Recovering Catholic

We were taught that
To love ourself was vain
So we learned to hide
Our brilliance, our light
When we came to another to say
I love you
How could that be true?
For to truly love another
We must first love ourself
So say to yourself
I love you
I am worthy
For only then
Will you allow
The best of everything
To enter your life

Although I grew up Catholic, I do not consider myself a religious person, nor have a practiced this religion since my teenage years.

 Religion has been at the core of more wars, brutallity, prejudice and negative energy than almost anything else. Countless people died, were tortured, or burned alive over their beliefs.  Religion has and continues to use fear to keep the masses from learning the truth about Divinity- the Divinity that exisits in all of us as a reflection of God's love.

 I  was taught from day one that I was a "sinner". The focus from the church was on everything possible that I had done wrong which I was then required to  "confess" on a weekly basis- starting at the age of six!. Between you and me, most of the time I made something up. I mean, I couldn't very well go into the confessional with nothing to report back on, telling the priest that actually I had been a pretty OK person that week. That would not have been on at all.

What chance then, did I ever have to stand in front of a mirror and truly say to myself "I love you". And can you not see how that belief about myself needed to be in place before I could stand in front of another and say the very same words.

Religion is about power and fear - spirituality is way to find our way back to our divine selves. For many years after leaving the church, I closed the door to my spiritual side. I think deep down in my soul I knew the things I was being taught were not serving me, however I did not know what to replace that with. My years studying martial arts and more recently my yoga practice have opened up a new way to foster my spirituality in ways that serve not only me, but all those who come into my life. I am much more compassionate and forgiving now than ever before. It was not religion that taught me these things, it was rather the move away from religion  that led me to a being a more loving person.

Needless to say, on my journey from fear to love, I have learned to forgive those who thought they were doing right by me- my parents, the church, my teachers.  In doing so, I have removed the barriers that have kept me from knowing of this love which has existed in me all along.

And I can now look in the mirror with confidence and joy say those three little words.

I love you.

A Prayer for Guidance

Sweet angels
Guide me home
To that place
Where there is
No fear
No doubt
Remove any obstacles
That block my heart
From receiving
The Divine Love
That is inherent in me
Allow my true soul to emerge
By helping me to let go
Of what no longer serves me
Help me
To "be"
rather than to "do"
Quiet my mind
So that my heart can speak
And let my light shine
Where there is darkness

Soul and Spirit

Soul yearns for connection
Spirit matures in solitude
The ache in the heart
Reflects the struggle for balance of
Soul and spirit
One pulls  toward the burden of attachment and the past
The other towards the search for
Higher conciousness and meaning
And so do not be surprised or mystified my friend
If you feel this melancholy in yourself
For it is your soul desiring expression
While your spirit longs for freedom
Both bring a uniqueness to each of us
As we personify the transendance between
Heaven and earth

Tears for fears

Sadness was a veil that
Covered my light
Then slowly but surely
The world just opened up
I could feel
I could see
Comfortable numbness to conscious awareness
Tears washed away the pain
Until one day
I caught myself smiling
For no particular reason
Except to know my light was shining once again

Tears wash away grief  and for the most part our tears come from a sense of loss we have no control over. However, sometimes our tears come from a place of concsiously letting go.

Some of the patterns and thoughts we develop over our lifetime may not be very positive and as we awaken to this awareness, it can feel like we are not sure what might work in their place. They are like a pair of old slippers that we know we must throw out, but there are so darn comfortable. What if there isn't  another pair to replace them- then what?

In these moments, we are moving to a different level and the response may be some confusion and even teariness. It's scary to realize you have to find a new way to approach that which has not served you, especially if a particular pattern is a long standing.

Peeling back another layer of ourselves can be a painful process where the release of tears can be very therapeutic. The good news is that once we have grieved a part of ourselves to the darkness, we see the light. One the other hand,  there is no ending to the number of layers there are to peel. However, it does get easier to recognize when you are "molting" and the tears become a way to find your smile again.

Beauty and the Beast

In every situation we have the choice to proceed with one of two emotions- fear and it's accomplice doubt or love and its friend trust. The choice we make will either bring us to a place of peace ( beauty) or confusion ( the beast).

Many of us approach decisions with questions such as "what if I am not successful" or "is this the right choice for me"? These are questions that are learned from well meaning parents, teachers and life experiences that perpetuate the fear cycle - fear that we are not good enough, that we are not liked or that we are not successful.

But what if we turned things around and approached our most difficult decisions with love and trust. What if we told ourselves "I can do this", "I will land on my feet" or "whatever happens I will learn from this".

The choice we make will often depend on how we feel about ourselves and our worthiness to have good things happen. Hint: we are all worthy to receive the best things life has to offer! A daily affirmation to this effect can help change the tendency to doubt to one of trust.

"I love and trust myself and therfore I am worthy to receive all the best things life has to offer"

Which do you chose- Beauty or the Beast?

Child of the Universe

"You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."

This excerpt from the poem "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann always gives me a sense of peace when I am feeling down or hurt by something something someone has said or done. In fact the entire poem makes me feel more serene after I read it.

I think it is the part about having the right to be here that nails it for me. What it says to me is that sometimes when someone has acted out of a call for love rather than from a place of love, we can feel diminished. or confused. This line reminds me that I have just as much right to offer love rather than respond to a call for love. And in that moment I know I can forgive someone who has forgotten that their right to be here also gives them a choice to act from a place of love or a place of fear. I can feel compassion for those who have acted in fear as that is my choice as a child of the universe.

If we understand that we do not always have control over the events of our everyday life, and accept what comes our way, we have understood that the unfolding of the universe gives us opportunity after opportunity to learn from our lessons. Lessons we will continue to receive time and time again until we understand what they are trying to teach us.

Balance

It is the end of a busy week and I look forward to some rest and relaxation on the week-end. Ever notice how some people try to out do each other with tales of their "busyness"? And that if in the conversation you said you took one day and really did not do much of anything what the response would be? Gasp!

Scheduling down time into our week is as important as taking the time to exercise, prepare food and do chores. We live in a busy, noisy world and taking time at least one day a week to read, walk, do the crosswords or maybe catch up with a friend are good ways to find some balance. We should be boasting about the time we take to care for ourselves, not hiding it!

When I was younger and was busy with my young family, working and going to school, my mom always used to tell me to slow down. I didn't feel that I could and it took a toll on me. I got sick more often and I was unhappy. Now I know what she meant and I see it in others and I see my old self. Makes me sad for those who are caught up in the whirlwind, but glad that I was able to step back and make some changes.

Don't wait until you are sick or feeling down before you schedule some fun in your life. Take a moment to observe the natural playfulness of a  young child and try to re-discover that part of yourself again.

Have some fun!

Being Present

I have two adult children who are going to school away from home, both for the second year. Both have just returned to their respective homes after the Christmas vacation.

Last night my daughter called saying she felt lonely and she wanted to quit the semester and come home. Her room mate was not back yet and she had returned to an empty apartment after two weeks of constant socializing.  My advice to her was that she needs to learn to be comfortable on her own and to honor that time. Soon enough she will be finished her term and will likely be sad at the thought of leaving! Her reply was that decided to enjoy the rest of the time she had at  school- and that she knew I would know the right thing to say!

I next texted my son to ask him how it felt to be back in class. He said it was like he never left and I asked him what he meant by that. He replied that he liked being back, but missed home too and didn't know where he wanted to be. I told him the only place he needs to "be" right now is in the present. He agreed.

So often we miss some of the best parts of our lives by not being present.  It is kind of presumptive  to be  attached to future plans. I mean, who are we to think we know where we will be or what circumstances may come into our lives, good bad or ugly. Being in the present can also be good, bad or ugly. It can feel lonely, or it can feel like the time of our life. If our present is not to our liking, it is an opportunity to ask ourself what it is we can do to change things to make it better. If our present is awesome, we can first be grateful and then we can ask ourself what I did to get here and how can I have more of this!

Making plans is not a bad thing, however being attached to their outcomes can lead to a lot of grief if things don't go our way. There is a saying that if a tree is too rigid and a strong wind blows, the tree will snap. However if the tree is flexible, it will bend in the direction of the wind, and will remain in one piece.

So as I think about both conversations, I learned that even though I really miss their presence in my everyday life it was great idea for both kids to go away to school for they are learning lessons some people never have the opportunity to experience.

 And as I continue to guide and nurture my children, I realize that I am also nurturing my own inner child.  I remind myself that I too must try to stay aware of moments when I am tempted to stray to the future or past and miss my own presence.

Breath to stillness

When we are stressed our breath often becomes more shallow. Being aware of these moments, we can learn to deepen the breath as a way out of the storm and into the calm. It seems so simple, yet so we often forget this very basic force that is always there for us. Put notes around you home and work place as reminder to "breathe". Taking 10 deep breaths allows your emotions to settle and clears your head so you can make healthy choices about how to respond. You can breath while you are stuck in traffic, while you are in the line up at the grocery store or when you are working on a project and need a break. Clearing the negative energy with deep breathing can lead to new perspective in a stressful moment.

Breathing- as simple as 1,2,3.

Aaaaah!

Journal to Ah-ha

When one is going through their dark night of the soul, many emotions, thoughts and feelings can come bubbling up, leaving one feeling confused and alone. One way to sort through these emotions is to journal. There are no rules. Some people like to have a topic to focus on while others just start writing whatever comes to their head . I say try both! I like to journal with an old fashion notebook and pen, but typing notes in Word works too. Just start getting it all out. If you are like me and keep things inside for fear of hurting someone, then writing is a perfect way to let go of those thoughts. I am often surprised at what comes out when I write with no purpose other than to put all my crazy, jumbled, brain-rats thoughts on paper. And sometimes, not always, there is that Ah-ha! moment. That moment when something that has been a burning issue suddenly becomes oh so clear. You sit back , look at what you have written and realize what a long way you have come and how much wiser you are.

Kinda makes you want to keep writing, doesn't it?

The Joy of Silence

A lot has been written about the fact that many people are not living authentic lives. The chatter in our minds and the negative patterns we have learned do not enhance out ability to move from fear to love. What does seem to be missing in the readings out there are some practical ways one can enhance this awareness and start to make the changes that lead us out of the darkness and into the light.

One very simple way to start is to set about 30 minutes each day to sit quietly and breath.  The start of the day is the best time for this as it sets the tone for how the rest of your day will go. For me, that means setting the alarm at 5:30 am instead of 6. Some people say that when you sit and talk it is calling praying and when you sit and listen it is called meditating. It doesn't really matter what you call it, just do it! It can be difficult at first to try and quiet the mind when you are not used to sitting in silence, but you can always just come back to your breath.There is no right or wrong way to find the silence- just your way. This is your time. Time to decide how you want your day to go. Time to ask for help for a problem you are having. Time to set your intention for the day. And then time to sit and listen- listen to your heart, to your inner voice. So often, our inner voice tries to speak to us, but we don't listen. There is too much noise in our world and we have forgotten that we have the answers we are looking for. Silence allows you to come back to your truth.

Imagine if everyone on the planet took 30 minutes at the start of their day to set an intention to approach their day with  understanding and compassion, not only for others, but for themselves. What a different world it would be!

Happy New Year

New Years Prayer

May you know that everything someone says or does comes from either love or a call for love

May the two most important things you remember each morning as you start your day are gratitude and forgiveness

May you see those moments that don’t go your way as some of the best opportunities to learn to be in the present

May you have the courage to shine your light where it is dark

May you take a moment each day to see a miracle- a sunrise, a sunset, the budding of a new spring flower, a baby’s smile

May you be the first person to say hi to a stranger as you walk by

May you turn off the news and turn on to your passion

May you take 30 minutes everyday to sit quietly and go within to hear the answers you seek

May 2012 bring you opportunities to live your life to its fullest potential